worthallthis | IC Inbox: In the Night

- and it all drains into the floor, puffs right into the air, and Sora looks... okay. He rolls from his animal squat and sits on his butt hard, his hand slipping from the hole in the tree trunk. He coughs, and a tiny wisp of darkness escapes him, but besides that and maybe the slightest hint of a bruise on his face next to a split lip, he seems to be okay.

"Okay, before you say anything," he says, putting the palm of his hand to his nose and pulling it away to check for blood, "that sort of wasn't fine, but it wasn't your fault, it was mine and I'm sorry." He blinks. Okay, maybe a tiny nosebleed. "What happened, exactly?"

"Yes. That clearly wasn't fine. You were hitting yourself against trees," Soldat says. Almost exclaims. For their general subtle tone, that definitely counts as an exclamation. "And you shoved your hand into that one. Kid. What had you so riled up? It's like there was something out there. That upset you."

A wince. Yep. Uh, yep! Definitely deserved that! He rubs his hand against the snow, looking at the hold in the tree trunk, then casts Cure on himself, glowing green and plants sealing up his lip and melting the bruise away. See? Nothing happened.

He coughs again, and the darkness that comes out is really just a little baby mist this time. Okay, there. That's the last of it. (He hopes.) "That doesn't usually. Happen?" Sora pauses, thinks back. Man, it's so hard picking through his memories in Rage form. It doesn't think in words. It doesn't think. "I, uh. Wasn't." He's about to say he wasn't upset, but that's not true, obviously.

"I was just sadder than I thought I was. I think." He shakes his head. "I'm sorry, the last time that happened, it was a lantern thing, and I could still sort of. Steer. Steer isn't the right word, um." He looks at the snow. "I usually don't need to steer. That... I don't. Think that'll happen again." He looks extremely unsure about this.

"We're going to try and keep it from happening again," Soldat says firmly. "You can't communicate. You don't understand when people communicate with you. And you hurt yourself. Not good things. So keep your lantern close to you, okay?" They offer it back to him specifically. Pointedly, even.

Okay. So here's where the willfulness comes in! Because Sora's first reaction is to tell them no, that they can't tell him what to do, that it's his fault he's like this and that he can fix it because even he can't figure out how to explain what happened with his words he knows in his heart what happened and that he can make sure that that doesn't happen again -

And he actually gets that "No" out before he realizes that even if he fixes that one thing, that doesn't fix any of the problems Soldat pulled out. He can't communicate. He doesn't understand when people communicate with him. And even if he does everything perfectly and the form does come out exactly as intended... In order to fight things, the form does need to continue hurting itself. Not in the way the soldier's thinking, perhaps - Sora remembers enough to know that it didn't pull that particular trick out of its pocket - but there is definitely a part of the form that does hurt itself in order to do what it does. And Sora doesn't have any control over whether it decides to use it or not.

He takes that lantern back, but man, this is a really deflating sort of moment. And honestly? He's kind of pissed. Like, with tears in his eyes because he's Sora, but he's still furious in a way that Soldat probably hasn't seen out of him before. This isn't the playful puffing he usually does when he knows he's supposed to play a part. This is just really useless anger. "It won't hurt anyone." That's the one certain thing he is stubbornly holding onto.

Edited 2020-03-15 03:20 (UTC)

Apparently Sora has built up enough trust that Soldat can face an angry Sora and not shut down. It's a near thing, and there's a visible little tremor and ripple of arm plates, a dropping of expression, but they keep their head from dropping and tone from going blank.

Especially because that's a lie. Maybe Sora doesn't think it matters, but there's still someone getting hurt here, as evidenced by the need for a cure spell. "It hurts you," they point out. Slow and careful, but not entirely flat. "If there's better. Easier. Safer ways to do things. Should do those, not this."

Sora doesn't notice those plates go off, but the stilted way of talking catches his attention, makes the blood drain from his head a little. Just a little. It's enough to make him bite back the next thing he says and rethink it a little. Probably not enough.

"It's better than me." Even if he hadn't remembered it from his first life, Helene told him plenty about what he did with it in the second. He looks down at his hand, at the odd knot of scar tissue on his right thumb. Skyler misses her too.

"It's a way better fighter than I am. It doesn't think enough to get scared or anything. It's my heart, okay? It's a little lost, but it wants the same things I do." He drops his hand into his other and grasps them together, locking his fingers. No sleeve picking. "If I start like - panicking, if I break." It's fast. An emergency switch. It's a way to make him worth something, even if his heart rebels so hard that he shuts down.

So Sora's heart wants to hurt itself? Destroy trees? Launch itself at Soldat, but then disappear? If that's really true, then Sora's heart has as many problems as Soldat's brain.

Soldat hesitates a beat, then steps closer just once, carefully putting the metal hand on Sora's chest. "Your heart is right here. And it's fine." The touch only lasts long enough to say that before falling away. But it seemed like the kind of statement that needed it.

Their expression is sober, but it's actually an expression again, when they say, "Kid, I've tried being the mindless, fearless, attacking thing before. It really ain't worth it, I promise."

Well, not precisely, but also, yeah. Maybe a few.

Right. Good like this. Sora is still going to be in a way, but the touch surprises him into silence, and then into a little blank pause for an echo. Hey, when there's a parallel, there's a parallel.

He puts his hand on his heart when the soldier takes their hand away, like he did with Riku. Fine like this. The reminder of Riku is a bit much, especially given the circumstances, but they're both at least comforting ideas. That there's still something there worth fighting for.

He didn't catch the sentence right after, though, and he's gonna look real contrite himself because it felt like whatever they just said was important. He definitely missed it. "Repeat what you said? What that was wasn't that important." And Sora's going to try to commit to that, even if the warmth is... very real.

Soldat would kick themselves for speaking too soon, if it were feasible. They know that look, and should have waited longer. "Said. I've tried being the mindless, fearless, attacking thing before. It really ain't worth it. Promise you that. Better to stay you, be able to think and plan, and stop when you want to, not just when the fear stops or the orders make you."

Right. They would, they would know that. And Sora knows even in the knee-jerk reflex of wanting to say look who you are now, you're amazing, that that isn't even remotely what he wants for them or for anyone else.

The difference is that he wanted this. Not necessarily the power itself - he didn't know he'd come back as himself, at the time - but he'd come to terms with the sacrifice he made for this a long time ago. This wasn't the cyborg stuff; he knows now that that was something that was... violent, and bad for him, for lack of better words. And this is too. But it was his choice. It was always his choice.

Was it really a choice when the other option was leaving Kairi to die?

"I'll. Keep it to myself. But. Only if you think about yourself, too." This makes sense to Sora. He looks up and glares at the soldier. Still upset, still absolutely certain that this thing is something that makes him valuable, still unwilling to let anyone take this from him. But. "I know you're past this, but can you promise me? That you won't think about yourself like a thing ever again?" Something that acts on instinct, that chases things blindly, without memory or thought.

That's not even fair. Soldat twitches back a little from the renewed glare, expression gone a little wary, but at least not going back to nothing. It's progress, okay. "I don't-- that's not something I can. Promise. I don't know. Ever again's a lot." And dammit, it's not like Sora is promising not to use a power that hurts him. He's just promising not to use it around Soldat. They know a weasel promise when they hear one.

Sora doesn't really think in terms of fair! This is what he wants. And geez, Sora's pulled fast ones more than once in his day, but he knows how promises work. No technicalities! Not for him, at least.

"This is something that could save someone's life if I'm careful about how I use it. After I fix what went wrong this time." And fixing what went wrong this time is sort of a goal he'd had outside of this! It just so happens that fixing it will fix a whole host of other problems as well. "I can't make a promise that I won't use it again if it comes down to hurting myself a little in a way I can fix and letting someone else get hurt. That's... just not an option to me. It's not."

When it comes down to it, that form can do so much more than Sora can - and moreover, it'll do it without hesitating or getting caught up in emotion. Of course, it's still not great for his self-esteem, but Sora is only thinking in terms of two years of trying to save everyone, not two years of trying to fix himself. (The idea that he could try to have both is just not occurring to him at the moment.)

The technicality is "not around Soldat" which is a weasel promise, Sora. Well, to Soldat it is.

They don't drag a hand down their face, but they're damn tempted to. The goal is for Sora to not hurt himself. That's the goal, here. That's the only thing Soldat wants out of this interaction.

There are actions they can take. They're gonna take 'em. Soldat suddenly gets less wary and more determined, maybe a little more of the Soldat that showed up at the armory. "Then we're gonna teach you more shit. How to do more things yourself, without using it. So you don't have to. And you're gonna work out exactly why it wanted to bang your head into trees, so we can fuckin' fix that. So if you do use it, it'll do what you want it to instead of hurting you. Deal?"

Edited (clarity and typo fixin') 2020-03-18 05:05 (UTC)

Sora did mean he'll keep it to himself - that is, that he won't let it outside at all. Not in front of Soldat, or Misty, or Jason or Naminé or anyone. He doesn't make promises in halves! He knows exactly how big of a promise he's extracting out of the soldier, and he plans on doing his best to match it. No Rage Form, even if he has control. That is the promise Sora made in his head, he has no idea that the soldier is thinking of what he said in a different light.

Which makes this addendum a little more... bewildering, because Sora thought they were both on the same page of never ever ever again, here. "I'll... yeah. Yeah. That's definitely something I want." Because the point is to never have to use it again, right? "And, I mean, I still need to fix what went wrong just in case, but that's sort of." Sora looks down at the gashes in the trees and ground around them. "I. Needed to work out the thing that made it try to stop itself anyway. By myself."

He looks back up at Soldat. He means it. "You don't have to promise anything because I can't promise anything either. I... just wanted to make a point. This is a part of me. It's saved my life. If you don't want me to use it, I either have to get better than it at everything or I need to ignore that it exists when people need me." And he absolutely will not do that. "I don't know if we have time for me to get better at everything. I'll try. I just can't promise that I won't use it again. "

All the talk of how you need it and how it saves lives and how you can't really promise suggests pretty clearly otherwise, kiddo. But Soldat will take this, at least. "Following orders is part of me, too, but that don't mean it's always a good idea to do it," they grumble. That existed well before the programming, if the memories of the war are anything to go by, and the Russians just made it worse, is all.

"And what do you mean, by yourself?" they add, a grouse, shaking their head. "Of course I'm gonna help, if I can."

At least his point got across, and that's what matters to Sora in the end. (What this conversation is teaching Sora is that he's much more reliant than Soldat on what he considers "part of him" to build a picture of who he is. He's not sure if that's a good thing. He's also not sure if it's a bad thing. Maybe just the parts that hurt him. That opens up its own can of worms, though. More things to put in the slow cooker that is Sora's brain.)

He sighs and looks at his shoes. He's figured out how to put the problem into words by now, so this isn't a matter of him not having the pieces together anymore. No, now it's just embarrassment. "Nah, I." A pause. "You're gonna get real mad at me if I tell you what the problem is." Especially since... they were actually talking about the problem the week before, even if it was sort of in broad strokes.

Yeah, Soldat has spent so long being told what they are, being built up by other people, that "part of them" doesn't apply as clearly as it would for Sora. Being brainwashed, mind-fried, and gaslit for decades tends to make one's sense of self a little shaky. They're still not even sure what their self-image even is, they just go through unlife and hope it doesn't matter a whole lot.

(It does matter. It's just going to be percolating in the background of their brain for a while before actually coming to any kind of reasoning or whole, that's all.)

They narrow their eyes a little at Sora. "Out with it, kid. Can't work on fixing it until you spill."

(Jeez, these boys need to eat some grilled cheese and chill out! Or, like, just the grilled cheese part, at least. Purposeful chilling might be a little more difficult.)

Sora stares into the dark of the forest, then sits down, folding his legs cross-legged. He pulls his sweatshirt cuffs from his jacket sleeves and begins to pick at the already frayed edge.

"It's Riku," he says, and then, abruptly: "Before you say it - yeah, eff him, I know." He doesn't move from the ground, still studiously unraveling his cuffs and pulling out the spare threads. "It's me. It's just my stupid. Me."

Oh. Aw, Sora. that's not gonna make them mad. The suspicious gaze melts into something more neutral-- not a smile or anything, but it's warmer and more relaxed. Friend trouble is not really something they're gonna blame on Sora being stupid.

That'd be pretty hypocritical of them, anyway, given how they're going to be spending the next two week.s

"You're not stupid," they say. "What's goin' on with Riku that's making you want to bash your head around?"

Sora is absolutely not going to look up. He is pretty sure that at some point, this conversation is gonna make them mad. Or frustrated. Because!

"Nothing." Pick, pick. "No, not the. Um. Like, literally nothing." He takes a handful of thread and puts it in his pocket. He'll give it to a spirit later. "I mean, I sent him a message a few days ago before Naminé put me under. We talked for a little while. But, uh, that's it."

Back to his sleeve. "We aren't friends," Sora says, "but my heart keeps thinking we are. And, uh. That's it. That's the whole problem. I just need to get over myself." Somehow.

Soldat is gonna steal your shirts and jackets and replace all the cuffs, Sora, so help them. Or maybe have an afternoon of coming over instead of doing handler tasks and doing the mending at the hotel or something.

That's neither here nor there, though. And not what they're talking about now. "He tell you why you ain't friends?" they ask. "Or did he just kinda do his drive-by 'this is how it is' thing and ghost away?" Riku is unfathomable to Soldat. He seems like a decent kid, seems to have some weird kind of admiration for them, but he's so damn self-contained. Like Bruce. (No wonder those two are friends. And don't like here's-all-my-emotions-at-once Sora. Shut up, Sarge.)

And this is before their talk wit Riku in the church in March... which is kind of too bad.

Yeah, more cuffs for him to destroy! No, not actually excited about that. Sora would probably see the lengths the soldier went to to make sure his cuffs were nice and try to avoid them. Move onto something else. Not sure what.

Sora sighs a laugh. Riku ghosting is exactly what he expected of him, at least. "He hasn't really said anything. I told him as much as I could about what my deal was and he walked away while I was talking. I asked if he'd be all right and he said I was selfish to ask. That I wanted to hurt him and then walk away with a clean conscience that he'd be okay." He blinks slowly at his sleeve, not really picking at it. It's easier now. It's not like a month ago when even the idea of talking about what happened would have set him off. He's not sure what that means. Maybe the memories are helping in ways he doesn't understand.

"Last week, I wanted to ask him if he had any memories that he was willing to share. We talked about it for a little while. I... think he understands my deal." He slowly shakes his head. "He just doesn't care about it, and... I'm scared of trying to share anything real with him. So."

Wow. Wow that is... rude. You don't just walk away in the middle of someone's explanation, no matter how little you want to do with them. Soldat frowns in a kind of consternation, that's getting a little offended on Sora's behalf. "Why would he think you wanted to hurt him? You don't want to hurt anyone. It's pathological how little you want to hurt anyone."

No, they have no idea they he learned the word "pathological". It may have come from a briefing somewhere, or possibly a technician talking over their head. But they know it.

Sora slowly shakes his head. He has no idea what pathological means, but he sort of gets the gist of it. "He needed to be alone. I should - I knew that." Deep in his heart, he knew that that was what he wanted. "I knew that, I did. But I didn't want him to be alone."

So he followed him. Down a beach, toward a hill. "I'm... not. The." He stops, breathes evenly. It's okay. "I think we were. He was confused. I was... kinda. Scared that." It's okay, he repeats to himself, but his words are doing the thing where they follow exactly what he's thinking, which is everything at once. Slow down.

IC Inbox: In the Night

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