worthallthis | IC Inbox: In the Night

All the talk of how you need it and how it saves lives and how you can't really promise suggests pretty clearly otherwise, kiddo. But Soldat will take this, at least. "Following orders is part of me, too, but that don't mean it's always a good idea to do it," they grumble. That existed well before the programming, if the memories of the war are anything to go by, and the Russians just made it worse, is all.

"And what do you mean, by yourself?" they add, a grouse, shaking their head. "Of course I'm gonna help, if I can."

At least his point got across, and that's what matters to Sora in the end. (What this conversation is teaching Sora is that he's much more reliant than Soldat on what he considers "part of him" to build a picture of who he is. He's not sure if that's a good thing. He's also not sure if it's a bad thing. Maybe just the parts that hurt him. That opens up its own can of worms, though. More things to put in the slow cooker that is Sora's brain.)

He sighs and looks at his shoes. He's figured out how to put the problem into words by now, so this isn't a matter of him not having the pieces together anymore. No, now it's just embarrassment. "Nah, I." A pause. "You're gonna get real mad at me if I tell you what the problem is." Especially since... they were actually talking about the problem the week before, even if it was sort of in broad strokes.

Yeah, Soldat has spent so long being told what they are, being built up by other people, that "part of them" doesn't apply as clearly as it would for Sora. Being brainwashed, mind-fried, and gaslit for decades tends to make one's sense of self a little shaky. They're still not even sure what their self-image even is, they just go through unlife and hope it doesn't matter a whole lot.

(It does matter. It's just going to be percolating in the background of their brain for a while before actually coming to any kind of reasoning or whole, that's all.)

They narrow their eyes a little at Sora. "Out with it, kid. Can't work on fixing it until you spill."

(Jeez, these boys need to eat some grilled cheese and chill out! Or, like, just the grilled cheese part, at least. Purposeful chilling might be a little more difficult.)

Sora stares into the dark of the forest, then sits down, folding his legs cross-legged. He pulls his sweatshirt cuffs from his jacket sleeves and begins to pick at the already frayed edge.

"It's Riku," he says, and then, abruptly: "Before you say it - yeah, eff him, I know." He doesn't move from the ground, still studiously unraveling his cuffs and pulling out the spare threads. "It's me. It's just my stupid. Me."

Oh. Aw, Sora. that's not gonna make them mad. The suspicious gaze melts into something more neutral-- not a smile or anything, but it's warmer and more relaxed. Friend trouble is not really something they're gonna blame on Sora being stupid.

That'd be pretty hypocritical of them, anyway, given how they're going to be spending the next two week.s

"You're not stupid," they say. "What's goin' on with Riku that's making you want to bash your head around?"

Sora is absolutely not going to look up. He is pretty sure that at some point, this conversation is gonna make them mad. Or frustrated. Because!

"Nothing." Pick, pick. "No, not the. Um. Like, literally nothing." He takes a handful of thread and puts it in his pocket. He'll give it to a spirit later. "I mean, I sent him a message a few days ago before Naminé put me under. We talked for a little while. But, uh, that's it."

Back to his sleeve. "We aren't friends," Sora says, "but my heart keeps thinking we are. And, uh. That's it. That's the whole problem. I just need to get over myself." Somehow.

Soldat is gonna steal your shirts and jackets and replace all the cuffs, Sora, so help them. Or maybe have an afternoon of coming over instead of doing handler tasks and doing the mending at the hotel or something.

That's neither here nor there, though. And not what they're talking about now. "He tell you why you ain't friends?" they ask. "Or did he just kinda do his drive-by 'this is how it is' thing and ghost away?" Riku is unfathomable to Soldat. He seems like a decent kid, seems to have some weird kind of admiration for them, but he's so damn self-contained. Like Bruce. (No wonder those two are friends. And don't like here's-all-my-emotions-at-once Sora. Shut up, Sarge.)

And this is before their talk wit Riku in the church in March... which is kind of too bad.

Yeah, more cuffs for him to destroy! No, not actually excited about that. Sora would probably see the lengths the soldier went to to make sure his cuffs were nice and try to avoid them. Move onto something else. Not sure what.

Sora sighs a laugh. Riku ghosting is exactly what he expected of him, at least. "He hasn't really said anything. I told him as much as I could about what my deal was and he walked away while I was talking. I asked if he'd be all right and he said I was selfish to ask. That I wanted to hurt him and then walk away with a clean conscience that he'd be okay." He blinks slowly at his sleeve, not really picking at it. It's easier now. It's not like a month ago when even the idea of talking about what happened would have set him off. He's not sure what that means. Maybe the memories are helping in ways he doesn't understand.

"Last week, I wanted to ask him if he had any memories that he was willing to share. We talked about it for a little while. I... think he understands my deal." He slowly shakes his head. "He just doesn't care about it, and... I'm scared of trying to share anything real with him. So."

Wow. Wow that is... rude. You don't just walk away in the middle of someone's explanation, no matter how little you want to do with them. Soldat frowns in a kind of consternation, that's getting a little offended on Sora's behalf. "Why would he think you wanted to hurt him? You don't want to hurt anyone. It's pathological how little you want to hurt anyone."

No, they have no idea they he learned the word "pathological". It may have come from a briefing somewhere, or possibly a technician talking over their head. But they know it.

Sora slowly shakes his head. He has no idea what pathological means, but he sort of gets the gist of it. "He needed to be alone. I should - I knew that." Deep in his heart, he knew that that was what he wanted. "I knew that, I did. But I didn't want him to be alone."

So he followed him. Down a beach, toward a hill. "I'm... not. The." He stops, breathes evenly. It's okay. "I think we were. He was confused. I was... kinda. Scared that." It's okay, he repeats to himself, but his words are doing the thing where they follow exactly what he's thinking, which is everything at once. Slow down.

Soldat hesitates, then reaches over to put his hand on Sora's head again, holding there a moment before brushing it back a little. A pet. Two pets. "Maybe you oughta ask him that. Why he thought you wanted to hurt him. Might clear some shit up."

Literally the only things Soldat knows about friendship is "do things together", "care about each other", and "communicate". Everything else seems to flow from there. "Even if it don't make him your friend. 'Least you'd both know the same things. Be more able to work it out."

Sora does everything he can not to lean into the petting. He's not thinking like a dog anymore, he doesn't have to. He shakes his head instead.

"It was. This is my fault." He shakes his head. "I was... I did it wrong. I'm still doing it wrong." He stops, breathes in. Calm. Calm. "I know what happened. I do, I do, I'm just not going fast enough. This is my fault. I can't face Riku until I fix it."

And on that he clamps down his lips and bites them because what he was going to say next is so deeply and purely his problem that talking to Soldat couldn't possibly fix it at all. And there's so much going on and he's already gotten angry at Soldat once today and stressed them out and he doesn't want yet one more thing he cannot figure out how to fix hanging over their heads during the trip tomorrow. He knows if he goes for any longer they're going to miss Mr. Javert's session and Mr. Javert is going to be annoyed and his stupid problems aren't worth that.

He stands up suddenly. "It'll be okay. We should go." Then he strides through the smashed up path back toward the gym.

Though they might have a limited understanding of friendship, in this case "fixing it" seems like something the two of them have to do together. But Sora's right about one thing: class will start soon, and Soldat is not in the habit of being late. They give him a long, kind of wary look, then nods. "Inside, then. But I'm not forgetting any of this, either."

Sora pauses. His shoulders square and he looks back... and this is actually a pretty relieved smile. A little frazzled, a little sad, but not a bad feeling.

"Thank you," he says, and it's genuine. "It can wait." It can wait forever, if necessary. It really can. Sora will figure it out. He has to, whether he has help or not. It is, however, good to know that he doesn't have to be alone. It's enough.

"C'mon, let's go."

IC Inbox: In the Night

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