worthallthis | IC Inbox: In the Night

[Crowley isn't here. There's no blood anywhere. Javert looks calm and unruffled. No one needs rescue or defending. And they're being reassured. (That doesn't always mean anything, but the Soldier chooses to accept it for now.)

It sits.

It considers the question, one of the ones it anticipated. Answers after a brief pause:]

I don't know. It might not be possible.

( It's a sensible answer. Javert seems pleased by it, even though it is a little difficult to tell, what with how subdued his expressions are. Then, since he can no longer ignore the elephant in the room, he admits casually, )

Your friend seems adamant that it is. He was also adamant that he would not leave without you.

( There's no accusation or anger in his words. He's just delivering the facts, and watching the other man's expression as he does so. )

[Torn between being touched at Crowley's loyalty, and embarrassed at how he goes about showing it, the Soldier looks aside. Its expressions are also subtle, particularly around its handler, but Javert has worked with it long enough to recognize the sheepish cast.]

He may be able to return when the rest of us can't. He has powers. I don't understand them and how far they extend.

[And as much as the Soldier would love to believe Crowley can protect it... protect them... HYDRA is also powerful. Going back is a risk. They look back, at Javert's face, if not his eyes, this time with less expression than before, just a hint of what could be exasperation.]

Crowley is my friend and he cares about things very much. But he's also a dumbass. And couldn't strategize himself out of a paper bag.

That is the impression I got of him as well.

( He answers with a scoff. Perhaps that is why Javert doesn't have a high of an opinion of him. He doesn't think things through, nor does he seem particularly remorseful about what he has done. The inspector frowns as he thinks about it, grumbling, )

If it's possible for him to leave here on his own, I wish he would do so soon. We don't have time to clean up his messes.

( He looks as if he wants to say more, but he bites it back. Clenching his jaw, instead, he says, )

I told him if he doesn't try to steal the ferry again, I will release you from your orders. You may go with him, if you wish, or you may stay here. It makes little difference to me.

Edited 2019-11-10 20:25 (UTC)

[He's remorseful! Just... in his own way. In a different way than most people. The Soldier is absolutely certain of that-- they're sure Crowley requested to be a friend rather than a handler out of remorse as much as out of how terrible he was at it. They're sure much of his glum certainty that he'd be killed or run out of town was an expression of that remorse. That's personal, though, and they're not going to share that with a handler. So Javert can continue to think poorly of him. At least some of it is absolutely deserved.

The offers is... well, partially expected. It's the outcome that made the Soldier almost the most nervous (most nervous being having to rescue Crowley from a handler, which it's not sure it can do). Without orders, there's no excuse to stay here and help, to go against what their friend wants most. It puts the decision back in their hands, which is not an easy decision to make, especially when one is not really accustomed to having to make big decisions.

So for a moment, they stall, very carefully not fidgeting though a few plates in its arm buzz and shift. It repeats:]

Little difference.

I will have to find a new instructor, of course, and someone who will be as diligent as you on patrols. But it is not an insurmountable task.

( It may sound cold, but that's just how Javert is. He's never placed much reliance on others, whether they be soldiers or acquaintances. He's used to doing things on his own. He understands the other man's difficulty, though, on making this decision, and perhaps that is why he answers softly, his voice steady and eyes unwavering. )

You are on no obligation to stay. That is all I meant by it. Are you truly so afraid to think for yourself?

[What an absurd question.]

I get punished for that.

[Which is to say: yes, yes it is afraid to think for itself. It's learning-- they're learning-- to do it, for some things. But it's a slow process, and that's a big decision. With lots of consequences, pros and cons on each side. How do you weigh one friend against another? Or one insurmountable threat that's unknown against an insurmountable threat that is known but is also much more real and immediate?]

And who do you think would do such a thing here?

( Not his superiors, certainly. Javert understands the other man's hesitance, though. It's a tendency, and like all tendencies, it's hard to break. Javert, himself, is having a difficult time following his conscience, and making decisions based on what is right, not what the law demands. )

[The answer comes readily, as if the Soldier is a little surprised Javert doesn't know this. They are, actually. Javert has done such a good job of behaving like a (decent) handler that it just assumed he knew the rules.]

You. Handler Misty or Eve. Technicians have limited ability to assign punishments, as well.

( It comes easily to him because he's used to doling out orders, managing subordinates, and behaving in a near-militaristic way. He's assumed the role without protest, and he will not to do so here. But he does, at least, want to be clear about one thing. )

I'm not going to punish you for thinking. I should hope the others would not either.

( And since Crowley made mention of it earlier, Javert can't help but ask, )

Does it please you to take orders from me?

[Well-- all right, the Soldier can admit that it isn't likely Javert or Misty would. Misty is always gently encouraging that very thing, and Javert doesn't lie, as far as they can tell. That doesn't stop the looming fear of punishment from actually going away, unfortunately.

Thankfully, that's not what Javert asked. The Soldier's brows come together briefly.]

The. Asset requires handlers for instruction.

[Which isn't really the answer Javert is asking for, but even if the Soldier were allowed to admit to likes and dislikes to a handler, it's hard to even determine liking in this situation. Does a fish like to swim, or is it just what the fish does?]

It's just what I do.

So you would not wish for me to stop?

( That is all he wants to know. Perhaps it was wrong to assume that he might have an opinion about it, but it hardly matters. )

Of course not.

[Where the hell would he get that idea? ... oh. Wait.]

Crowley said something.

[The Soldier doesn't sigh. They don't.]

He doesn't understand. Maybe someday he'll be right. And I won't need handlers.

[Someday in like a century, or something.]

Right now, I do. And you're. Not a bad one.

( Javert doesn't deny it. Perhaps at one point, he would not have cared, whether the Soldier would want him to receive instructions or not. But now? He can't help but be conscious of it, and it feels him with relief to know that he was right. Relief, and a bit of surprise. )

You truly believe so?

( Perhaps that is just a testament to the other handlers he's had. Still, he can't help but feel something swell up in his chest, an emotion he cannot place. He shifts awkwardly. )

I know what it is like to feel lost. To submit to an authority because it is familiar. If it will bring you comfort, if it will help you, then I will do what I can.

[See? Good fucking handler. And maybe that does say more about the people in that role before than about Javert, in particular... but the kind of handler the Soldier needs now isn't that kind, and they know it. It's the kind that cares, that actually wants to help, and at the same time can provide structure and framework. This authority is a lot better than HYDRA, if he's going to ask if this is what the Soldier wants.

So the Soldier smiles just a little, relieved. It might be the first time Javert has actually seen them do that.]

Thank you, sir.

( Javert looks away, overwhelmed. It isn't just him that he's helping. By doing this, he's also helping himself. He's never felt empathy for anyone before, and certainly not for anyone who has done as many dishonorable things as the Soldier has. Javert would not have thought twice about harming him, before — but he is not that man, anymore.

He still doesn't know how to feel about that. )

I believe that it all, then. ( He says, his voice gruff and authoritative. Collecting himself, he looks up at the other man and asks, ) Unless there is something you wish to ask of me?

[Surprisingly, at the invitation, a couple questions do in fact cross the Soldier's mind. It debates for a moment-- escaping is tempting. It's been a stressful encounter. But at the same time they feel... safer. It was given a choice, and even if it couldn't actually make a different one than it always did, this time it did feel a little more like a choice.

And Javert is a good handler.

So they do ask, after a moment,]

What authority do you miss.

( It's not the sort of question he was expecting. In truth, it's not even one that he has ever asked of himself. Does he miss an authority figure, or simply the matter of having an authority to submit to? Rosalind had asked if Javert missed Valjean, and he is just as crippled by his answer now as he was then. Having such feelings is intolerable. He sighs, )

If there is anything that I miss, it is my work. ( That, at least, is something he can admit to. ) Though I do not know if I could ever return to it, were it possible for us to go home.

( It's the most open and human he's ever been with the Soldier. There's no confidence in his posture, no air of authority. Only a broken man, shameful of what he's done. )

[A day of more firsts. The Soldier recognizes that for what it is, too, and takes a moment to just marvel at truth and emotional honesty from a handler. One like Javert, even. (Misty still doesn't quite count, there.)]

Did your work hurt you? Or other people?

[Because you know what, that is about exactly the Soldier's feelings. Minus the programming and lack of personhood. Kind of. They've accepted that some people have other kinds of programming that are sometimes just as hard to resist.]

( He's right about their being different sorts of programming. Javert's may not have been brainwashed into him like the Soldier, but that doesn't mean it was any less harmful. After a moment of silent consideration, and with some difficulty, he admits, )

I did, through my own foolish beliefs.

( That black and white morality that came as a product of his upbringing. It's still hard for him to live without it, though he is trying. )

I never thought it possible for others to change. No, not I. I believed my work to be righteous, and so I never showed mercy to criminals. Surely I would not have been kind to you, either, had I felt that way when we met.

[Which says Javert does not feel that way, now. He overcame his programming, personal though it might have been. The Soldier considers that a moment, accepting it simply enough, then asks:]

What changed?

[Maybe there's a small part of it that wonders if knowing what changed a person as rigid as Javert might help it learn, too. (Not that we. Need to learn. You just keep tellin' yourself that, pal. Well, not how to have mercy. Okay, maybe not that exactly.)]

I was shown kindness. ( He answers solemnly, and with great difficulty. ) By a man that ought not have given it to me.

( Not just any man, but a man Javert had once admired, then scorned, and now, admires again. It irritates him beyond comprehension, and both emotions fill his tone in equal measure as he continues, )

I pursued him. For seventeen years, I filled his life with fear. When he was given the chance to end mine, he chose instead to save it. Why? Because he is a good man. He was not the villain that I thought he was. Nineteen years he spent in the bagne, and upon his release, he stole. Not just the once, but twice. In spite of this, he became a respectable businessman, a mayor. He was my superior, for a time, and I his chief of police. When I found out who he truly was, what he had done, I treated him horribly.

( He sent a girl to an early grave and yet still, Valjean had thought him worthy of mercy! He doesn't understand, and he doesn't know if he ever will. )

He is kind to a fault. For many years, I thought that kindness to be a farce, a tool of deception. So much the fool I was. He is more of a saint than he is man, though I condemned him all the same, and all because he broke the law.

[The Soldier can't even imagine having an obvious threat right in front of them, someone who wanted to take them back to everything with HYDRA, to lock them up and wipe their memories and make them kill people again... and not pulling the trigger. They frown quietly a moment, listening and digesting that story.

But the stupid former target did that. Looked at the threat the Asset posed and, instead of killing it, saving its life and then refusing to fight further. Once the objective had been completed, anyway. Is that what a saint is? Was that kindness? It did, in fact, make a difference, in the end.]

What was his name.

( He'd be relieved to know that he's not the only one baffled by it. When the Soldier asks for his name, Javert falls silent a moment. If this were Paris, he would not dare utter the name. Valjean was dead, as far as the rest of the world knew, and Javert would not dare bring danger to his doorstep when he already decided to let him go. He answers softly, though, almost as if speaking a secret. )

His alias is Fauchelevent. Though his true name is Jean Valjean.

( He spreads his hands out, palms out. )

Now you know. It is possible for men to change, just as surely as he and I did.

[The Soldier nods, looking at Javert's hands, expression thoughtful.]

Thank you for telling me, sir. I'll remember. I'll remember him, too.

[Though in their mind, this Jean Valjean character looks a little like the stupid former target, already.]

There was a man I was ordered to kill. My last mission before I died. He is. Like your Valjean, I think.

IC Inbox: In the Night

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