worthallthis | IC Inbox: In the Night

[The answer comes readily, as if the Soldier is a little surprised Javert doesn't know this. They are, actually. Javert has done such a good job of behaving like a (decent) handler that it just assumed he knew the rules.]

You. Handler Misty or Eve. Technicians have limited ability to assign punishments, as well.

( It comes easily to him because he's used to doling out orders, managing subordinates, and behaving in a near-militaristic way. He's assumed the role without protest, and he will not to do so here. But he does, at least, want to be clear about one thing. )

I'm not going to punish you for thinking. I should hope the others would not either.

( And since Crowley made mention of it earlier, Javert can't help but ask, )

Does it please you to take orders from me?

[Well-- all right, the Soldier can admit that it isn't likely Javert or Misty would. Misty is always gently encouraging that very thing, and Javert doesn't lie, as far as they can tell. That doesn't stop the looming fear of punishment from actually going away, unfortunately.

Thankfully, that's not what Javert asked. The Soldier's brows come together briefly.]

The. Asset requires handlers for instruction.

[Which isn't really the answer Javert is asking for, but even if the Soldier were allowed to admit to likes and dislikes to a handler, it's hard to even determine liking in this situation. Does a fish like to swim, or is it just what the fish does?]

It's just what I do.

So you would not wish for me to stop?

( That is all he wants to know. Perhaps it was wrong to assume that he might have an opinion about it, but it hardly matters. )

Of course not.

[Where the hell would he get that idea? ... oh. Wait.]

Crowley said something.

[The Soldier doesn't sigh. They don't.]

He doesn't understand. Maybe someday he'll be right. And I won't need handlers.

[Someday in like a century, or something.]

Right now, I do. And you're. Not a bad one.

( Javert doesn't deny it. Perhaps at one point, he would not have cared, whether the Soldier would want him to receive instructions or not. But now? He can't help but be conscious of it, and it feels him with relief to know that he was right. Relief, and a bit of surprise. )

You truly believe so?

( Perhaps that is just a testament to the other handlers he's had. Still, he can't help but feel something swell up in his chest, an emotion he cannot place. He shifts awkwardly. )

I know what it is like to feel lost. To submit to an authority because it is familiar. If it will bring you comfort, if it will help you, then I will do what I can.

[See? Good fucking handler. And maybe that does say more about the people in that role before than about Javert, in particular... but the kind of handler the Soldier needs now isn't that kind, and they know it. It's the kind that cares, that actually wants to help, and at the same time can provide structure and framework. This authority is a lot better than HYDRA, if he's going to ask if this is what the Soldier wants.

So the Soldier smiles just a little, relieved. It might be the first time Javert has actually seen them do that.]

Thank you, sir.

( Javert looks away, overwhelmed. It isn't just him that he's helping. By doing this, he's also helping himself. He's never felt empathy for anyone before, and certainly not for anyone who has done as many dishonorable things as the Soldier has. Javert would not have thought twice about harming him, before — but he is not that man, anymore.

He still doesn't know how to feel about that. )

I believe that it all, then. ( He says, his voice gruff and authoritative. Collecting himself, he looks up at the other man and asks, ) Unless there is something you wish to ask of me?

[Surprisingly, at the invitation, a couple questions do in fact cross the Soldier's mind. It debates for a moment-- escaping is tempting. It's been a stressful encounter. But at the same time they feel... safer. It was given a choice, and even if it couldn't actually make a different one than it always did, this time it did feel a little more like a choice.

And Javert is a good handler.

So they do ask, after a moment,]

What authority do you miss.

( It's not the sort of question he was expecting. In truth, it's not even one that he has ever asked of himself. Does he miss an authority figure, or simply the matter of having an authority to submit to? Rosalind had asked if Javert missed Valjean, and he is just as crippled by his answer now as he was then. Having such feelings is intolerable. He sighs, )

If there is anything that I miss, it is my work. ( That, at least, is something he can admit to. ) Though I do not know if I could ever return to it, were it possible for us to go home.

( It's the most open and human he's ever been with the Soldier. There's no confidence in his posture, no air of authority. Only a broken man, shameful of what he's done. )

[A day of more firsts. The Soldier recognizes that for what it is, too, and takes a moment to just marvel at truth and emotional honesty from a handler. One like Javert, even. (Misty still doesn't quite count, there.)]

Did your work hurt you? Or other people?

[Because you know what, that is about exactly the Soldier's feelings. Minus the programming and lack of personhood. Kind of. They've accepted that some people have other kinds of programming that are sometimes just as hard to resist.]

( He's right about their being different sorts of programming. Javert's may not have been brainwashed into him like the Soldier, but that doesn't mean it was any less harmful. After a moment of silent consideration, and with some difficulty, he admits, )

I did, through my own foolish beliefs.

( That black and white morality that came as a product of his upbringing. It's still hard for him to live without it, though he is trying. )

I never thought it possible for others to change. No, not I. I believed my work to be righteous, and so I never showed mercy to criminals. Surely I would not have been kind to you, either, had I felt that way when we met.

[Which says Javert does not feel that way, now. He overcame his programming, personal though it might have been. The Soldier considers that a moment, accepting it simply enough, then asks:]

What changed?

[Maybe there's a small part of it that wonders if knowing what changed a person as rigid as Javert might help it learn, too. (Not that we. Need to learn. You just keep tellin' yourself that, pal. Well, not how to have mercy. Okay, maybe not that exactly.)]

I was shown kindness. ( He answers solemnly, and with great difficulty. ) By a man that ought not have given it to me.

( Not just any man, but a man Javert had once admired, then scorned, and now, admires again. It irritates him beyond comprehension, and both emotions fill his tone in equal measure as he continues, )

I pursued him. For seventeen years, I filled his life with fear. When he was given the chance to end mine, he chose instead to save it. Why? Because he is a good man. He was not the villain that I thought he was. Nineteen years he spent in the bagne, and upon his release, he stole. Not just the once, but twice. In spite of this, he became a respectable businessman, a mayor. He was my superior, for a time, and I his chief of police. When I found out who he truly was, what he had done, I treated him horribly.

( He sent a girl to an early grave and yet still, Valjean had thought him worthy of mercy! He doesn't understand, and he doesn't know if he ever will. )

He is kind to a fault. For many years, I thought that kindness to be a farce, a tool of deception. So much the fool I was. He is more of a saint than he is man, though I condemned him all the same, and all because he broke the law.

[The Soldier can't even imagine having an obvious threat right in front of them, someone who wanted to take them back to everything with HYDRA, to lock them up and wipe their memories and make them kill people again... and not pulling the trigger. They frown quietly a moment, listening and digesting that story.

But the stupid former target did that. Looked at the threat the Asset posed and, instead of killing it, saving its life and then refusing to fight further. Once the objective had been completed, anyway. Is that what a saint is? Was that kindness? It did, in fact, make a difference, in the end.]

What was his name.

( He'd be relieved to know that he's not the only one baffled by it. When the Soldier asks for his name, Javert falls silent a moment. If this were Paris, he would not dare utter the name. Valjean was dead, as far as the rest of the world knew, and Javert would not dare bring danger to his doorstep when he already decided to let him go. He answers softly, though, almost as if speaking a secret. )

His alias is Fauchelevent. Though his true name is Jean Valjean.

( He spreads his hands out, palms out. )

Now you know. It is possible for men to change, just as surely as he and I did.

[The Soldier nods, looking at Javert's hands, expression thoughtful.]

Thank you for telling me, sir. I'll remember. I'll remember him, too.

[Though in their mind, this Jean Valjean character looks a little like the stupid former target, already.]

There was a man I was ordered to kill. My last mission before I died. He is. Like your Valjean, I think.

A stubborn self-sacrificing fool?

( He supplies with a scoff, although it is not at all dismissive. The Soldier does not speak much on himself, and neither does Javert. He's not going to squander this chance to get to know him better. )

Tell me of it. What happened?

[Ironically, yes. A very stubborn, self-sacrificing fool. The Soldier hesitates a moment, trying to organize their disjointed memories from that day into something safe to tell a handler.]

The mission. Was to protect the carrier ships. And to eliminate Captain America. I waited for him on the third ship. He kept talking to me. "Don't make me do this," he said. When he completed his mission, despite being shot and stabbed multiple times. He stopped fighting me. Said he wouldn't fight.

[They stare fixedly at the ground, arm plates shifting uncomfortably.]

I almost killed him anyway, and he let me. Might have killed him. I died, so I don't know for sure if he survived.

( It's quite a similar situation. The Soldier seems understandably troubled by it, and Javert can't help but empathize. He considers it for a moment, a frown forming on his face, and when he speaks next, he asks softly, )

Why would he not wish to fight you? Is he truly that foolish or is there some other reason?

( He's only trying to make sense of it, and it makes little to him now. )

[That is the exact thing that gets fuzzy in the Soldier's brain. The thing that edges up to the barbed wire gates in their mind protecting knowledge they're not supposed to have. Not allowed to have. Yes, they know why the stupid target wouldn't fight them. But they can't know why.

The Soldier can't make words come out, can't make themselves speak. They just shake their head helplessly.]

Well, ( Far be it for Javert to force anything out of him, especially if it's something he does not wish to consider too closely. He doesn't wish to think of his own memory either, or these newfound feelings he has for Valjean. It's terrifying, and so he answers gently, )

Perhaps it is best not to think of it, then. It could be that he is too kind for his own good.

[Javert, why are you being so good. The Soldier hangs their head a little but nods. Grateful that he's not pushing, a little ashamed that they're stuck on the lack of words again. Not even a tentative agreement on the stupid former target, which feels like it should be easy to say.

Ugh, this was such a great conversation, why did words have to go away now?

Sorry, Javert. Sometimes this just... happens.]

( If anyone should be apologizing, it should be Javert. He was the one who asked an unfortunate question, and now, he doesn't know what to say to make up for it. He sits there awkwardly, tugging at the cuffs of his woolen coat before abruptly standing and saying, )

Let's not speak of it further. We both have our duties to return to.

[There's just so much irony at how soon after being told not to expect human warmth out of Javert that this conversation is happening. The Soldier is even more sure now that the warning was a lie. Javert is like Crowley in this one thing: both of them feel discomfort showing how much they care, but they both absolutely still care.

The Soldier picks themselves up with relief, watches Javert a moment from behind their hair, then offers a small smile before making their escape.

Good talk, even if stupid brain issues got in the way. And now they have things to think about.]

IC Inbox: In the Night

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