The Last Voyages: IC Inbox

[worthallthis]

There is no voice message here. Better hope you got the right box.

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[musicdied]

"He would have deserved it," she says fiercely, and if a little - just a little - of that ferocity is on his behalf, well. It's hard to tease it apart from the rest of the anger.

She hadn't really been joking.

[worthallthis]

B is silent a moment, but then he says, "He probably would have. Some people do. But I wouldn't have deserved it. I really, really do not want to kill anyone again, Yelena. I have a hard time with the idea of killing chickens, these days. I can still do it, if it is a thing that needs to be done." Like shooting Taylor when she got possessed and no one was strong enough to get the passenger out. He'd been willing to demote himself to save her and the ship, even if demotion hadn't actually happened. He shakes his head, and finishes, "But I hate it."

[musicdied]

Yelena looks away again, staring out over the distant starfield. It's a sentiment she can't relate to - she doesn't feel any particular homicidal urge toward most people, but neither does the thought of killing someone make her miserable. She knows what she is.

There's a long silence before she finally says, "Natasha told me the Admiral would break our pairing, if we both wanted it."

[worthallthis]

For a beat, B goes still, fixating first on the name. Natasha said. Natasha had asked. At Yelena's request? Or on her own? Why?

He isn't sure knowing that is pertinent right now, so he tries to put the worry aside. Yelena is important right now, not his fear of what someone thinks about him. Instead he guesses: "And you want it."

[musicdied]

She notes that sudden, caught-breath stillness - he's still there in her peripheral vision, even if she's not looking directly at him.

"Yes," she says, bluntly. "I want you to request the pairing be dissolved."

[worthallthis]

He remains fairly still. He breathes in, then out slow. "May I ask why?" It's not a no. If she really, really wants out-- he can't deny her. But he needs to know why. And he needs to know she'll be safe even if she winds up with someone else.

Because she will. And he truly believes that no one, no one, besides maybe her sister or Steve, will be more on her side than he will. That doesn't necessarily mean they're a good pairing, he knows... he wouldn't want to see Yelena and Natasha paired. He doesn't think it would be good for either of them. But it's still true that he can't think of anyone else he'd rather see her with.

[musicdied]

Yelena's silent for a moment, then barks a bitter little laugh.

"I never wanted to be chained to you in the first place, remember?" she replies. "Did you really think I would be more happy to stay that way now?"

[worthallthis]

"You didn't ask to break the pairing then," B points out, voice calm. His feelings have gone back in their box. He's just going to focus on the logic of the situation. "My understanding was that you didn't want to be paired with anyone, no matter who it was. If it's me you object to, then that's something else, but I do want to know why. In case it's something I can fix. If not for you, then for someone else."

[musicdied]

Yelena does look at him then, her expression as bitter as the laugh had been, the line of her mouth set and hard. "The only reason I didn't ask to break the pairing then is that the other condition was to serve the sentence for a couple of months first. It's been a couple of months. And I still do not want a warden. Even if I did, I would be better off alone than with you."

[worthallthis]

... right. Okay. So there is something about him specifically, if she thinks she'd be better off alone than with him in particular. B is going to put that feeling aside, too.

"If you unpair from me, you go back out into the pool. You're pretty likely to wind up with someone else." He doesn't look back directly, eyes drifting aside, falling back on old habits. "Is there someone else you would prefer?"

[musicdied]

"No," she says flatly. "I do not want any of you."

Even Natasha. She loves her sister, and trusts her, but she doesn't want to be under anyone's power.

[worthallthis]

"That's the problem," he answers. "You're going to get someone. That's how this place works. That someone might be better than me, or worse." And the idea of someone worse-- someone who might not care or understand-- maybe someone like Hilbert or, god forbid, Lark, who he loves but who he knows Yelena would take to poorly-- it makes him want to punch the railing.

Though that might also be the whole feelings-locked-in-a-box thing making him want to hit things, too. He does not punch the railing.

Instead, he finally drags his gaze back to hers. "I won't say I'm the best person for you, Yelena. I've. I've clearly fucked up a lot, already. But I don't want you to wind up with someone worse, either. So if you can find someone-- a couple unpaired options, give me two-- that you'd take over me, I'll talk to the Admiral. See if I can get you switched."

[musicdied]

Her hands clench at her sides, tight enough that her nails dig little half-moons into her palms.

"Fine," she says, even though it isn't. Even though the prospect of having to choose her own jailer makes her want to be sick. "I will find someone else. But when I do, there will be none of this seeing if you can get me switched bullshit. You will tell the Admiral we both want the pairing broken, even if he says no to every other choice."

[worthallthis]

It's not fine. Nothing about this is fine. But he can't just cut her loose with nothing. He has to at least make her think about it, and he has to think about it himself, and he has to-- come up with a plan. Some kind of plan. He's the plans guy, but his mind is blank. This isn't a plan. It's a stalling tactic. Another damn bargain with her.

"Yes, ma'am," is what he says to the order, eyes coming back down again. "I'll tell him. I'll try."

[musicdied]

"No trying," she says, pushing away from the rail. "When I find someone else, we're done."

[worthallthis]

It's really not up to him. It's up to the Admiral. But he decides not to argue anyway. She's angry and he's upset and it's just going to go badly no matter what he does.

"Okay," is what he says, even though he has no idea how to make it okay. The knife sits in his pocket, but he half-expects her to throw it over the railing, with the mood she's in.

Maybe after they're unpaired. Maybe then she'll take it and it won't feel like a bribe.

[musicdied]

She walks away, fists still clenched, muscles wire-tight with simmering anger that has no ready outlet. She doesn’t look back before vanishing below deck.