worthallthis | The Last Voyages: IC Inbox

This is frankly the best he can do right now. He can't even properly imagine a life after graduating. He's goal-oriented, but not great a long-term planning.

He shrugs, a little awkward at the expression on her face. "Those things don't help with graduating. But they're still good things."

"No, but they're things you like. Things you want more of. You... want to go home one day, right? Have that stuff at home?"

She's never really asked, has she?

"Ellie." He manages a moment of eye contact, sounding almost apologetic. "Home is a bank vault and a. A Chair. A cryotank." Surely those things were in his file. "And even if I don't go back on my own. I'd be going back to people who want me back in there, and other people who will want to lock me up, and other people who will want to put me down. I don't have. Anywhere to go that I can have those things." Not unless he takes Steve up on going somewhere else, anyway.

He makes a point, and Ellie frowns. No winning there.

"I'd say come with me, but there's no chocolate at home." It's sort of a half-offer, half-joke, because he wouldn't have to worry about infected. He could take them, easily. He wouldn't have to be afraid of anything.

She has a terrible, vivid thought of him, killing Abby on Ellie's request, fairly certain he'd do it for her, but--

That's wrong. That would be using him, and Ellie's quiet for a moment too long before shaking her head.

"Guess that's a bridge to cross when we get there. No offense, but I'm not really eager to say goodbye to you, so."

A shrug.

"Just... you're doing good, B. No one needs you to push yourself too hard, I guess, is my point."

He's patient, though the eye contact doesn't last past her frown, gaze drifting aside, taking in her changing expressions without watching them directly. She can take a while to think if she needs to-- he sure does, more often than not. And that's a lot of thoughts she's apparently thinking.

What she winds up on makes him shrug again. "I'm not really sure how to go less than hard. But I'll try." Maybe... not deal with the library for a whole week. Maybe.

"Just... for the record? Going so hard you have a panic attack? Probably means you can back off a little. We're gonna have to work on finding some sort of middle ground."

But.

"It seems like you have a good number of people looking out for you, here. That's good, too."

He pauses, then says, "Okay." If it's something she wants, then it's something he'll do (or in this case, not do), but. "What is that. Exactly." Because he already told her he hadn't hurt anyone, so why is she worried about him attacking people? It must mean something else.

"... a panic attack?" Oh, boy. Well, this might help, if he knows what the fuck she's talking about.

"Uh. You know that feeling, when suddenly in your chest it's just tight, like someone's squeezing you but in a bad way? And your heart is pounding, and it's hard to breathe? You kinda feel like you might die, even if you know you're just like--sitting, or on the floor? That's a panic attack."

At least for her.

Oh. It's not exactly like how he gets them, but it's close enough that he can draw the parallel. "I. Get that a lot." A lot more than he actually shows-- the library is a special case where it's unfortunately obvious, because it involves getting the hell out of the library as part of the reaction to them. He's not entirely sure how to stop having them.

"It's scary, and--I know what it feels like, so I don't want you pushing yourself into that if it can be avoided."

But, knowing what it feels like also means she knows that sometimes it just creeps up on you. The library, though, seems to be a source they can pinpoint, and Ellie can name a few more things that set him off, too.

Yeah, there's plenty of things that trigger that kind of terror, admittedly. People have been really good at avoiding hitting them for the past couple months, though, as they find the mental landmines. He hesitates, then nods. It's not like further avoiding that state-- a panic attack, he makes sure to file the phrase away properly-- is unpleasant. It's just never something he thought about doing. It's just a normal part of being an asset. "Okay. I'll try. Not sure how I can get used to the library without. Risking them, though."

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